paraclete: (thinking every heart mends)

[personal profile] paraclete 2016-05-16 04:45 am (UTC)(link)
Shinji-kun is my friend.

[Given other circumstances, this would be a peaceful, pleasurable thought. Elation, gratitude. And a little chastisement toward himself: You have to do better. Nagisa receives at least the latter, but it's accompanied by none of the faith that Kaworu claims to have in himself. It's hand-in-hand with nothing but vitriol. This is bitter, spiteful, and it burns like stomach acid. Instead of reminding himself that Nagisa is so new, Kaworu's stubborn thoughts insist that Nagisa's words prove him unworthy of Ikari Shinji. Self-righteous, Kaworu thinks, I would never treat Shinji-kun that way. Nagisa is more than mistaken, and Kaworu's only being just.]

And you don't deserve the same, if you would refer to him that way.

[When it comes to the deserving, Nagisa should receive even worse, and Shinji needs better. Deluded by resentment, Kaworu's certain that even if Nagisa has the capacity for growth, there's simply not enough time for it — it took so long for Kaworu to even begin to figure things out... Shinji is the here and now, so there's no room for Nagisa's inefficiency. Nagisa's failure was the most prominent of them all, and that's why— ]

You should know that caring about him won't do any good.
paraclete: (i forget that i can't stay)

[personal profile] paraclete 2016-05-16 10:50 am (UTC)(link)
That's not what I meant.

[Text on a screen doesn't do this justice. There's no way to make it scald like a mouthful of boiling water. Kaworu could say it in the most rounded language, fluid and flowing, and there would still be a clacking of teeth. But text is cool and rigid like marble; Kaworu isn't able to shove Nagisa into glowing coals with his voice. Maybe retrieving his possessions from Nagisa is the best option after all. Kaworu wants to stand over Nagisa, cast a shadow, loom tall as the superior self.

But his mind is sneering: Superior how? Kaworu has done what, exactly? Been successful at kissing? Of all the things to be haughty about...

But he contests this, in a protest made by a martyr for a martyr. These two views of Nagisa Kaworu are separate ends of a very long road. He has more in common with even the Commander than he does with Nagisa. At least, that's his desperate hope. (And when aren't Kaworu's hopes desperate?)]


You asked if he was one of my things. He isn't a thing. Don't ever call him a thing, or I'll [Bust out all of your front teeth? Awful. Nagisa would probably enjoy that. Threats of punishment would be equally counterproductive. Kaworu refuses to feed into him...] make sure it doesn't happen again.

[Of course, it's possible that Kaworu does know how it feels for Nagisa to hear this. It could be that all the loathing he can't convey physically is what helps him select the words he builds into his texts.]

It's true that names are important, though. You call him Ikari because that's what you know. He calls you Nagisa-kun because that's what he knows. If he knew better, he would understand that you are Tabris. How nice for you that I haven't taken the time to explain that to him, yet.